I've always done what they say you shouldn't do

20-year-old Tommy describes his relationship with the adult Niels, which started when he was 12 and has continued to this day.

Taken from the collection Positive Memories, compiled by T. Rivas.

Tommy, 20 years old, shared some of his early experiences with an interviewer. What concerns us here, is his relationship with an adult man, Niels. Here are a few of his statements about this relationship.

I really cannot remember if it was Niels or Finn who was the first. And I don’t know whether you could really say Finn and Niels were child-lovers.

This was 8 years ago. I was about 12 at the time, coming home after living with a foster family in Ålborg.

Finn asked me if I wanted to go to his house and smoke some pot. I did. There was a small group of us there. After the others left he started to caress and fondle me. At first my eyes must have gone wide as fried eggs, but I wasn’t afraid. I was so high and woozy that I had no energy left to resist him. Besides, it wasn’t unpleasant.

So I slept with Finn. I kept going to his house for a long time. We were often together.

One day a friend dragged me over to Niels' house. I was given to understand that he was gay. That was about at the same time as my affair with Finn, because I remember going to both places.

I also slept with Niels a lot for several years. Later, the sex just faded away, but we still see each other, and from time to time we still “do it” together.

I’m bisexual. I also have a girl-friend. She doesn’t know Niels and what we are doing. It’s better that she doesn’t find out - she has too many prejudices - even though I’ve tried to give her shock therapy.

What does she say, for instance?

She doesn’t want to go and see him any more, and that’s shitty. We could have such a good time. There’s so much we could do. I can imagine us having a threesome - sex together, the three of us.

What attracted you to Niels?

I’ve always done what they say you shouldn’t do. Occult and mystical things fascinate me - and gays and child-molesters. I was curious and wanted to find out what it all meant.

And what did you think after you tried it?

The first time I was amazed that two men could actually do it. I had no idea it could be so wonderful. It was a nice surprise.

Had you by then also been with women?

I was fifteen before I slept with a girl of my own age. Before that I had slept with some adult women - one of 23, for instance.

Did you take the initiative or did they take it?

Both. One of them came on to me. The other was married to one of Niels' friends. He didn’t object.

Did it make a lot of difference for you whether it was a boy or a girl - an adult or somebody your own age?

I couldn’t do it with a boy my own age. Even now I couldn’t. I don’t know why. Maybe because I never felt secure or friendly with my father and mother. That was something I always lacked. Security and friendship I got from Niels. It is from him that I received the support I needed.

At that time I was committing crimes. I got caught and sentenced. I was sent to Randers. I ran away several times - hitchhiked. I always went straight back to Niels. So, I think our relation will continue for many years. I don’t think I’ll forget Niels until the day one of us dies.

You were in love with Niels?

I wouldn’t say that I was in love. I don’t think I could ever fall in love with a man. No. I couldn’t say that. It was more a question of feeling safe. Niels was the only person I could visit and talk with, whatever was wrong. There were never any inhibitions on my part - probably because we had this intimate relationship with each other.

Could you have had the same confidential relationship if you hadn’t gone to bed together?

I don’t think so. Strong emotional bonds grow out of it. People think that a child-molester is a big, brutal pig wallowing over a poor little child. But it was not like that.

Did you ever meet such a fellow?

No. Once when I was still pretty small a man asked me to go with him in a row-boat one evening. I didn’t dare. I was afraid he might abuse me and drown me afterwards. It would have been all right if he had gone about it in a different way, a way more to my liking.

I remember another experience. I was seven years old. It was in a public lavatory. There was a square hole in the door. I sat down to shit - my younger brother was in the toilet next to me. Suddenly, somebody put his prick through the hole in the door. It was an old man. He promised to give me ten crowns if I would suck it a little bit and so on. I damn well refused! Would I touch it then with my hands? I told him if he didn’t go away I’d start shouting and screaming. He stayed put - so I did start to shout and scream. I tried to go after him, but he soon disappeared. I thought this was fucking great fun. I wasn’t afraid because I knew he couldn’t get to me where I was.

I think that was the first time I saw a stiff cock. I remember how I just stared and stared at it. I didn’t really know what it was, until, all of a sudden… Christ, was it that?

But maybe I really felt attracted to it in some way, because I was always fascinated with my own cock when I was a kid.

Do you remember more from the time you were younger?

I’ve always been real restless, even when I was very young. I wasn’t more than four when I ran away from home for the first time. There was so much energy in my body that I couldn’t sit still at school. I was classified a behavioural problem boy and sent to a boarding school.

There I met a girl by the name of Jette. Right from the first day we were lovers. I was nine or ten; she was probably a year older. We wanted to see what sex was all about. I inspected her little cunt and we wanted to try fucking. I had a hard on - of about three centimetres, and I couldn’t get it into her.

After Jette there was a girl called Maj-Britt. She wanted to try the same thing. People shouldn’t pretend that children don’t have sexual lives. Not to mention the fact that all boys have been fascinated by some woman teacher at school.

Did you ever feel it was somehow perverse or bestial to have sex with a man?

I was attracted to it, drawn to it. I thought it was exciting.

You realised it was forbidden, didn’t you?

That didn’t bother me in the least. It didn’t matter to me what adults thought. I had met so many teachers and they always just stood there and talked over my head. I lived in my own world. As long as I was allowed to do the things I thought important for me, the rest didn’t matter. What was important to me was to grow up in a hurry.

Why did you want to be an adult?

It was much too difficult being young. There was always somebody who could make decisions about me. I was a criminal then. I began very early with booze and cigarettes. Suddenly, I had developed some needs that had to be satisfied. I didn’t go to school. My whole existence was very troubled. I calmed down only after I met Niels. Until a few years ago Niels was more important to me than my mother and father. He was my friend, my comrade, my lover.

And father?

Yes indeed. My father is 57 so I don’t have a very good contact with him. My mother is 55. They could never understand me and I could never understand them. We have been running around in opposition to each other for years. My mother has a bad case of nerves because of me.

I’ve always been obstinate. When I got angry, my aggressive feelings were so strong that I just had to do something. And I couldn’t very well beat my mother, could I? So I would smash up my own things as an outlet. This, too, stopped after I got to know Niels.

I stopped with crime after a four month sentence for car theft and burglary. I never did anything like that again.

What did your parents say about your visiting Niels?

They weren’t happy about it. I remember that once Niels wanted me to go with him on a trip to Sweden. He came to our house to talk it over it with my mother and father. It was all right - until they heard he was gay. Then they refused to let me go.

I got real mad. I ran away. It was only to get away from home. Without my parents' permission, Niels couldn’t take me with him. I was under 15 and it would only have caused problems.

I was already quite independent by then. Nobody could tell me what to do or how to do it, and certainly not my father or mother. The only one I really listened to was Niels.

I was really afraid that the authorities would intervene. A few years ago I didn’t want to stay at home any longer, or live with a foster family. The authorities finally accepted it then, and I was allowed to live with Niels.