Sexual Abuse from a Victim

John tells of an abuse experience by his grandfather at the age of 7. He places what happened in the social context and tries to find out who is to blame and what correct behavior means in today’s reality.

Sexual Abuse from a Victim


Over the last year I have dedicated time to recalling what happened to me when I was sexually abused. I do think that to just get over it is healthy. I often had emotional outbursts thinking about what happened to me during that time of my life, however, I am not doing this to help just myself, but hopefully to help others understand what was going through my mind while I was being sexually abused. I wanted to research this because I feel I can help others who have been sexually abused, and also educate parents and teachers on the subject.

Since writing this I have realized writing this article helped me a lot: I don’t feel so alienated by the experience at all anymore. I feel really good about myself for doing this and I have received feedback from many people with great support. This article has had literally hundreds of reads on many sites across the world wide web where I have published it. I feel that growth in esteem and perhaps just getting older in general has made me change a lot.

The sexual abuse began when I was only seven years old. It started while staying at my grandfather’s house (mother’s side of the family). My grandmother was in the room when he first exposed himself to me. I was very curious as to what he was doing and why he was doing it, that manipulation is common. It is not like he physically hurt me to do things, He just told me certain things were nice and other things. Part of me I feel knew something was strange about what he was doing because of the pure silence he wanted that first time. “Shh!” he would say constantly if I said anything that could be considered suspicious by his significant other in the room. He was a very fun person to be around, he did lots of things and showed me lots of things. I have always be the introverted type of person who likes to know how things work, I am naturally intrigued by the world. He fueled that curiosity in me with more than sexual behavior long before it started. I knew for some reason that he did not want people to know, and I loved and respected him. So I always tried my best to keep things that way as best as possible.

As the sexual abuse continued, probably after some months, could be three, could be six (my memory is not the most reliable instrument on the planet) the way I was treated was appalling due to the ignorance of many of my teachers. Because I was being abused I had images of sex in my mind. To the teachers I was a risk to the wellbeing of students in my class. I remember in primary school I found other children with similar sexual interests all throughout the school. I know some of these people now, and some in particular were going through the same thing, that same responsibility of silence was on all of us at the time. My abuser did not like the sound of it when I first told him I had expressed myself and experimented sexually. So I was silent about that to him as well, thank god I think now. Perhaps he would have desired to meet some of them, even some of the more innocent people and abuse them as well.

I never really understood what sex was at all. Putting sex into a certain context with our children is a good idea I think, not “Oh My God Ruining Their Childhood from Innocence” and certainly not abusing them or anything like that. If you at least put the basics of these relationships into some context, and it has been tried and tested with some families more open to provide kids the defense they need. After the conviction of my abuser and the discovery of my abuse a psychologist (who I contacted recently for the further editing of this article) showed me through a very good manual for kids. Right then, after it had happened, when it was far to late.

However when I acted upon sexual behavior at a very young age, rather than them seeing something was wrong, I was punished for what I had done (literally, I would say things and get in trouble for things that most kids would never know at that age, personally I think that’s as immoral as being a sex abuser for acting like that with a child). This discipline caused me to become even more silent, I started to suppress myself socially and avoid people. This seed of self-hate, and hate of others for their mindless persecution was planted in my mind. This seed grew into a furious tree that erupted primarily in the later years of my life. I had grown a sadistic streak, and a craving for attention from my deep seeded attention seeking behavior.

With a lot of people I have met this same cycle of low self esteem has seemed prone to lead to attention seeking behavior. As my behavior further developed, especially in early high school, I believe in my first year of high school I was suspended for harassment, sexual harassment (primarily verbal, including some very mild physical harassment), and other things, at least around 20 times. I grew to become the class clown, and suddenly became to make friends with who were certainly the wrong people. Some of these people changed just like I have, some of them grew up.

With this behavior getting worse and worse, it was all simply because I hated people deeply. This was because I felt alienated, I was accustomed to this alienation deep within myself - they seemed to hate me, so I really hated them. I recall in year eight, my second year of high school, I was made to see the school psychologist. He once said “I think you want revenge for what happened to you.” That statement I would not consider true at all, I never acted on revenge, I acted on attention. The lack of compassion that allowed me to act that way, it was fueled by the simple hate. I did not care about these people, or any people at all, really. I think most of this stemmed also from my mothers constant behavioral problems, her natural tendency to do everything except understand. I took the comment as another blow to my self-esteem. In years nine and ten, I was at a new school. I had become so afraid of myself I would never even speak. I failed year ten from lack of attendance, and amphetamine addiction, a terrible thing I have now surpassed.

Back to when I was a child. When it was discovered by my parents that I had thrush. They could not find how I had possibly caught it, and kept trying to discover what had happened, the question, I never knew the answer to myself. My mother asked me a question “has anyone been touching you?” and explained it a little. “Paa!” I screamed, I immediately had felt like I betrayed my abuser, my grandfather. I felt guilty and I broke down into tears. The tears were more than that, just a sudden crack in thoughts, my mothers response was the same, she started crying. This further led to me to believe that something terrible had happened here. She had to be put on an antidepressant drug to even leave the house after this had happened.

Following this experience, for a long time I had felt what I had done was wrong. I would never tell anybody the things I did, to a high degree I often lied about what he did because it was far too disgusting by then. I remember when I was about 12 I had a friend, a male friend. We started experimenting with sex and other things like a lot of children do. I think this became apparent to his parents, and from that point, I haven’t even talked to him. This was my best friend, and that hurt me a lot more than anything did at any point, the alienation, the silence. They would not talk to me, they told my mother something and she just told me not to worry about it, that some people don’t understand.

I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I do have difficulties regarding mood swings and irrational depression. It is in the opinions of my current psychiatrists that this is related directly to the abuse and to the social alienation I experienced. I used to be angry, hateful and most of all confused and misunderstood. Things have changed and I have real friends, I have formed good friendships with even one of the girls who I harassed a lot at early high school. I no longer get so angry, I love life now. Remember that no matter what happens to you and no matter how different you feel, as long as you are a human being with integrity you are absolutely beautiful.

A note to pedophiles who I am very well aware will read this article: Consensual sexual abuse is not acceptable, no matter what you say, it will harm a child, because this society we live in systematically and automatically alienates people who went through what I did at that age. You are destroying peoples lives doing this. I might just add the first draft of this article was from a suicide note I wrote a year ago. I was determined to kill myself, and I have done many silly things to try and achieve this. And I hope you have the compassion to get treatment for your problems. I know it worked for me when I did late 2004, and that is another story altogether. And you are also, a human being like everyone else and you have the responsibility and ability to achieve to overcome your problems.

If you suspect someone is being sexually abused, it is not just the right thing to do to speak out, it is your duty and responsibility to do so. If you are unsure of what to do, and yes it is very hard to make a decision, I myself being very involved now in helping people with sexual abuse, rape, and many other things including domestic violence and child abuse have discovered it is not easy for most people to know what to do. I suggest if this is your circumstances you talk to a councilor or a therapist that will know the appropriate path of action for the victim and the child.

I hope this essay can educate others. If you disagree with any opinions in the article feel free to email me at [email protected] and share your points with me. Also feel free to contact me on any of your own problems, questions, regarding yourself, your children, your students. I don’t know everything, but I know of many resources, and people that can help you understand things.

[… (several thanks to different people)]

You may share this document freely. Copyleft, John Tate 2004.

Letter from John in HFP Mailbag

Source: HFP Mailbag

I would have to say I almost agree with everything on this site, what happened to me was uncalled for, but I think if this sort of thing was tolerated I would not have felt so fucking alienated, so hated, as a child, I would have not been an outcast.

I am a victim of abuse from society and stupid fucking idiots who dont understand what its like.

I wrote an article on my sexual abuse, you can use it on this site.

The things happened to me I consider abuse, because of a few factors like my complete concent, I didnt know what I was doing. I hope you can help advocate my plea to better educate children about sex, because then I would know known better, I am over what happened to me now, but im angry that there are so many others with simiar situations.

I have got emails in response to this article that have been heartbreaking stories, commendments, and other things…

These dickheads in our governments that think they know everything about everything they dont understand, dont experience, see, or even really manage to imagine is disgusting, for the longest time I hated myself for what happened to me. This made me an at risk offender of sexual assult in childhood because all the kids seemed to think I was weird, and so I hated them, and hated myself for being weird, and I did a lot of things I regret.

When I was in year 8 I did horrible things to another girl in my grade, I realised how wrong it was and said im sorry in later years, where good friends now. The power of forgiving is incredible, I forgive my abuser for what he did, because ive realised to main problem was a stupid Taboo society that seems to defy human nature.

I am bisexual, and I can relate to the people on this site of what it is like to be sexually discrimitated. Here is my article about this.

When I was 8, I had a sexual relationship with a girl my age, we were just friends, and that is still all very beautiful in my memorie, we both were consenting and made these discoverys alone. But because of all these things and a society that allowed me no understand of sex, I grew up most my life lonly, depressed, and suisidal, and feeling alienated.

I tried killing myself serveral times, but now I am happy with life and really moving on and enjoying it, thats only been of this year, im 17 years old, ive lived 17 years of self hate, so who is the criminal here? society or my abuser, both in this case because he should have known better to do these things to me in a world like this. However these things can be changed so children dont have to suffer these things.

Im a nonsexual lover of children myself, but with my experince in experimentation, I can say I dont see a whole lot wrong with this if children get some education on it, yea im repeating myself a little, but I think you get the messege.