I was absolutely addicted to cuddling

This report was submitted to the Jumima website by a visitor. In further correspondence, Lukas agreed to answer a few additional questions. This interview can be found at the end of the text.

Translated by JUMIMA
Original German text

Lukas describes his relationship to Martin

Germany in 1990. I was 9 years old and my life so far had been just shitty to say the least. My father died in a car crash when he was drunk. My mother also had a severe alcohol problem. I’ve had suicidal thoughts several times.

But then I met Martin at a lake. He was 43 at the time. I had seen him sit by the lake several times and whenever our eyes crossed he smiled at me kindly. One day I was alone at the lake and the sun was burning. So I put sun lotion on myself to avoid getting burnt. But as it is, it’s hard to get your own back. Since I was alone as I said, I looked around and saw this man sitting there again and as always he smiled at me kindly.

So I went to him and asked him if he could help me put lotion on my back. He was totally friendly and then helped me too. While he was lathering my back we started talking and I told him about the shitty life I’ve had so far. In the meantime, I enjoyed how tenderly he was putting the lotion on my back. I had never felt so much tenderness before. When he was finished, he asked me if he could do anything else to make me feel better. But I didn’t know what to say and just looked towards the lake, where a father was horsing around with his children and they squealed with joy when he threw them through the air into the water.

The man then asked me if I wanted to be thrown through the air that way. And that had exactly been my dream for a long time. So we horsed around in the water for hours and I’ve never had as much fun as that day. The icing on the cake was when the ice cream truck came around the lake and he bought me an ice cream.

From then on we met at the lake every day and had fun in the water and sometimes we just talked for hours. I started to really like him and he became my best friend. He also noticed when I wasn’t feeling so well and then hugged me and I felt better again. I just felt this security and tenderness that I didn’t get at home.

By that time fall was coming and the temperatures were no longer inviting to take a bath in the lake. It had become so important to me that I really wanted to keep in touch with him. He then suggested that one could go to the local swimming pool or to the cinema or the zoo and so on and also offered that I could visit him at his house at any time.

And yes, in the end I was with him every day. Because what should I do at home where my drunk mother blamed me for everything again? That was when I started to seek physical closeness to him. We sometimes spent hours arm in arm or I had my head on his shoulder and he stroked my hair gently. We also went to the swimming pool and horsed around and used the slide together. We went to the movies and the zoo a few times. But I preferred to be alone with him. I was really cuddly.

It struck me that his heart always started to speed up and pound when we cuddled. When I started kissing him while I was cuddling, I really noticed how his heart seemed to jump out of his chest. But I was not much different. I also found it very exciting and my heart started to beat faster. Then one day we looked us deeply in the eyes and somehow I felt that there was more between us than friendship. We got closer and closer with our mouths and then it happened: our first real kiss. I also closed my eyes and just wanted to enjoy this moment.

But then Martin interrupted that moment. When asked if I had done something wrong, he said that it was not that, it was that he was just not really prepared for this kiss to be so intense and just didn’t know if everything we were doing was right. At first I didn’t know what to do with that and just said “but we love each other and people who love each other also kiss”. He then explained to me that there were laws that would prohibit such love. But I made it clear to him that I didn’t care.

In the meantime I had turned 10 and a new summer was coming. During the summer vacation we went on our first vacation together. In the meantime, when I cuddled and kissed, it always started to tingle in my pants and I always rubbed my boner against him. And I had also noticed that he often had a hard-on. But he always tried to distract me from it and when I moved my hand in that direction, he took it away.

We then drove his car through Denmark, Norway and Sweden and put up our tent at a different place every evening. It ws a wonderful vacation and I kept trying to get intimate with him. At first he always said that he didn’t want me to do something to please him and that this could have legal consequences for him. But I didn’t see any problem because we were alone, so where should legal consequences come from?

Then he gave in and our first real sexual acts took place. After we had spoken extensively about it again, he said that since I keep trying it over and over, he was now sure enough that I really wanted it on my own and told me that I should just sit back and relax and started slowly to take my clothes off. He then kissed me there, but also looked into my face again and again and emphasized again and again that when he would do something that I didn’t like that I should tell him immediately. He covered my whole body with kisses and carressed it and when I thought it couldn’t get any nicer, he started blowing me. These feelings were so indescribable. My whole body twitched and I had no control at all. He then explained to me that this had been an orgasm. After I calmed down a bit from these really intense feelings I wanted to give him the same great feelings and I started just as he did with me. But when I was just about to start blowing and just put it in my mouth and my tongue touched his glans, he gently pushed me away and said that he was about to ejaculate and he didn’t want to do it into my mouth. That was when I saw sperm for the first time and I found it fascinating how it spurted out. I played around with it a little and smeared it back and forth with my fingers. Then I tasted it and found that it didn’t taste too bad. From then on I let him come in my mouth.

When we got back from vacation, I continued to visit him every day and we both eagerly waited for my first sperm to come. But it was also always a wonderful feeling without it. I had the first sperm when I was 11. At first I thought I had to suddenly pee and wanted to warn Martin that I was going to pee in his mouth – but he continued undeterred and then it was “too late”. He smiled at me, swallowed a little, and then said, “Congratulations, that was an ejaculation.”

Of course we didn’t just have sex. We also did great other things together. Then when I had turned 12, I asked him if there was more than blowing. So we also tried anal. He was really careful about it and it didn’t really hurt, but it was a different and not so good feeling as blowing. Even when I tried sticking it in him I didn’t really like the feeling as much as when he did it with his mouth. Well, we only tried it once and he also told me that he didn’t like anal so much.

When I turned 14 and all my classmates already had experiences with girls, I wanted to be one of them and told Martin that I would also like to try doing it with girls. He was totally nice and understanding and told me that I should go and have my experiences. But we remained friends. We no longer had sex, but we remained good friends.

At some point I realized that it didn’t really work out for me with girls. Because somehow I wasn’t really happy with any of them. Then I realized that I was now sexually attracted to boys. I was no longer “together” directly with Martin, but he was still a good friend. So he also helped me to deal with it, became my mentor and gave me tips and advice on dealing with boys. At first he slowed me down when he noticed that I was running into something bad and was in danger of doing something to a boy against his will.

Basically, in our boy-man relationship, he had already shown me how to behave properly towards boys. Unfortunately, he has passed away 5 years ago and I still miss him. Because he was a good friend until the end and was always there for me when I needed help.

I had no other intimate relationships with older people. By the way, not with younger people either. But even if I had, I wouldn’t want to report on a relationship with a boy anyway. At least not as detailed, as this could otherwise become criminally relevant …

Additional questions, which Lukas answered in writing

Jumima: Did others besides you and Martin know that there was more than friendship between the two of you? How was that?

Lukas: No, nobody knew that there was more than friendship. I thought it was OK like that. Why should anyone need to know about it? It was nobody’s business. We made love and had fun.

Jumima: What about your mother, did she know about the relationship and did she agree?

Lukas: My mother only knew that I was with a friend. It didn’t matter to her anyway, as long as she had enough booze. I always told her that I was leaving and when I would probably come back. But I don’t think she cared about it, she was just reproaching me all the time anyway and wasn’t really interested in me. The important thing for her was to get drunk. So my mother became more and more indifferent to me. After all, I had found someone who loved me and whom I loved.

Jumima: When you had sex together, who usually started it? How often did it take place?

Lukas: So the first couple of times I always took the initiative. He would never have started on his own. Because he was only interested in the fact that I was doing well and put my wellbeing above everything else. And we usually did it every day. Any time when we were undisturbed. When it had settled in, it sometime changed. Sometimes I spoiled him first, sometimes he spoiled me. Very rarely it happened that one of us didn’t feel like it and we didn’t have sex that day. Then we just cuddled or did something else.

Jumima: Was there anything in the relationship that you didn’t like? E.g. something about the sex?

Lukas: Actually, everything was really nice and I liked it. We did have a brief argument once. There were the lyrics of his favorite band. I found many songs nice, but they also had some songs about drinking and alcohol. And I couldn’t listen to that because of my mother. But he also understood that and then stopped playing these songs when I was there. The sex was always great. Well except for the “anal attempt”. But we both agreed on that, too, and left it at the one attempt.

Jumima: Were there any arguments and problems?

Lukas: Well, the one time when these songs were playing, which I just mentioned. But we never really had any arguments or problems.

Jumima: Have you ever been afraid of discovery?

Lukas: Not really. In public, we behaved like father and son. I didn’t really think about it either.

Jumima: Do you know if Martin had other relationships besides you?

Lukas: Not any while we were together. And with other boys it was probably just friendship. He probably only had such a real relationship with me.

Jumima: How do you feel about being considered a victim of crime before the law?

Lukas: I absolutely don’t feel like a victim. Neither was Martin a sex offender [Täter]. Without him, it would certainly not have taken me long to put my suicidal thoughts into practice. So he saved my life. How can I be a victim and he a perpetrator?!? This law is just sick. If I imagine that he would have gone to prison because of me! I would have thrown myself from a bridge or something similar without second thought.