I sank my love for the time being

The author of the report is a long-time user of a forum for men who are attracted to boys. He reports an experience he had as a child with the coach of a soccer team.

This report consists of two posts that reference a previous report by another user.

Posting from the German discussion board Jungsforum, posted on April 18th, 2021

The “soul costume” of both [participants in the described intimacy, editor’s note] is clear, but that of third parties has become decisive, I think. Because, as you described it, the role [of the victim, editor’s note] would have had to be talked into you with some effort. This is done through channels that you did not have as a “minor,” at least not in their entirety, and today more than ever. You had more self-confidence. I was 13 and the experience with a coach at a tournament at the time stuck, even if under the surface - Abyssopelagial, so to speak. There were other reasons for that.

It was not what actually happened that stuck, but what can probably be called the longing for a reunion that was not fulfilled. It was big. So big, in fact, that tears were shed during the return visit. Official diagnosis: homesickness. The coach in question was no longer there. He had been removed [aus “dem Verkehr” gezogen] and it was said behind closed doors that he had had “something with boys”. One cannot imagine the confusion when a “chick”, quite ignorant [unaufgeklärt] at that, is no longer able to bring his emotional world into harmony with the common sense that was already being conveyed at the time. Without being able to classify it for myself at the time, I had undoubtedly fallen deeply in love with the gentleman and was even about to run away to see him again. I thought about him for a very long time. The type still fascinates me today. But above all, I did not talk about it with anyone - with nobody. This also affected my very intense feelings about other boys. If you “have something with boys, …”, so my educated obedience, “… then you get problems.” I then sank my “love” for the time being, I think.

Follow-up posting from the German discussion board Jungsforum, posted on April 27th, 2021

Question in a previous post: Do you see yourself or have you felt victimized at times?

It wasn’t abuse. Definitely not, I believe. It may be that the coach “played” my loneliness. But then what was it that fascinated me? Why did I seek his closeness and even allow touching? (It was really extraordinary that I allowed an adult to do that at that time!) He didn’t have to play me much at all so that I would reatreat with him to a private place [damit ich mich mit ihm mal “zurückzog”]. Possibly I saw in him also a desired father? There were certainly reasons for that. And yes! I was “infatuated” at first sight and unfortunately could not classify the feeling at all. This was then later professionally “worked through”. No! Abusive and assaultive in the sense of a traumatic experience were other situations. This is the wrong place for that. And that type of “man” still fascinates me today.