One day, he did find the words

This autobiographical report comes from the Jungsforum, a forum for men who are attracted to boys. The report’s author is a long-term user of this forum and writes about an experience he had with his stepfather when he was a boy of 13.

This report consists of a central posting on the German website Jungsforum, two references with further details in subsequent years, and an additional comment by the author from 2021, which can be found below the posts. The author also answered a couple of written questions. The result of that interview can be found at the very bottom of the report.

Post from the Jungsforum, created on March 22nd, 2008


Beyond the high song on boys, which is jazzed up into a pink cloud in this place, I would also like to tell something, as a follow-up to your openness. It is not very pink, but on the other hand also not sad, and I’ve posted it in a similar way under my former nick five years ago in the Pädoforum.

I was 13 years old. My stepfather, who legitimized me and demanded quite a price from my mother for it - she had to obey him unconditionally - was probably gay without him being aware of it. He was, among other things, a musician and at that age I practiced with him daily on the sofa with my instrument. Again and again he abruptly grabbed not only the valves of the Instrument but also me and tried to press himself against me. There was no verbal communication about this. Since he left my crotch alone, I interpreted the situation not as an assault, but as his desire to tussle with me. I let it happen, and since I was quite strong, he always had to submit in the end [“zog er jeweils den kürzeren”] and then let go of me. The practice sessions continued as usual.

One day, he did find the words. He wanted to see my privates and gave as a pretext wanting to examine my sperm, to see whether I could actually already make children.This was the first time this topic was verbalized. Finally, some things became clearer to me. In the light of this interpretation, however, I felt no embarrassment whatsoever with regard to what had happened, i.e. the tussles, and I also agreed to the older man’s offer of finding out whether I was already fertile. However, I wanted him to give me a presentation on his part as well. He didn’t want to do that, which annoyed me quite a bit, and so the story stayed one-sided. He then pretended to examine the sperm, and then the trumpeting continued.

I’ve frequently tried to trace my feelings from that time. The fact that I masturbated in front of my stepfather caused me to feel somewhat diffuse about it, but I don’t remember it as humiliating, embarrassing, or even distressful [peinigend]. Nothing to be ashamed of. It was just something that happened that I was already practicing all the time with the peer group anyway, and to hang the mantle of abuse over this situation in retrospect I would consider dishonest in this personal situation of mine. The old man died several decades ago, but the memory of him was and is not damaged, at least not by this event. By other things yes, but that had to do with violence towards my mother and me. The fact that he was gay could be concealed well at that time. He always had friends with whom he worked on construction sites or in his garden. If they were passable, they were introduced as ‘friends of the family’.

Certainly, the stepfather’s behavior had only in very rudimentary ways something to do with a love for boys. But I feel that sexually toned relationships between boys and men are rather normal, and relegating them to the “abuse box” [Missbrauchskiste] from the outset is not a morally superior viewpoint. I think men who have been able to keep their sense of proportion in our social cosmos will view it similarly.


Post from the Jungsforum, relating to the above post, created on September 13th, 2011


So the pedos are accused of overstating and unduly burdening the perception change argument for their own purposes. I want to simply add the following here.

I am not in a position to judge. But it seems to me to be a significant aspect: What did I feel?

Many in this place could contribute experiences to this topic.

I once reported in this place an “act of abuse” by my stepfather. It was experienced by me in an emotionally diffuse way, and mignon inquired further. But there was and is nothing more to say about it. Diffuse remains diffuse, and I admit that a misinterpretation by someone I trust would have led to a changed perception (e.g. ‘That was a disgrace!’ [Schweinerei]). In my memory, however, it was not. That’s just the way it is. And pedos can’t steal themselves out of a world where that morality applies.


Post from the Jungsforum, relating to the above post, created on April 17th, 2021


I posted the story of abuse (?) by my adoptive father in this place maybe 10 years ago. I will not retell it in detail, but your assessment is very accurate. The old man, kept hitting on me, when I was about thirteen, fourteen, and I let it happen, as far as I wanted it to go. I was very clearly the one who made the decisions, even when it did come to sex once. I couldn’t get enough of it at that age anyway. I thought he was a poor thing [armes Würstchen], terribly uptight, and in retrospect I feel sorry for him. Never, and this is important to me, did I feel victimized. I would have had to be talked into this role at great expense, and I would have accepted it if it had been financially attractive. It wasn’t. The old man was as poor as a church mouse.

Note of the author before publication in April 2021

“The scuffles and hugs initiated by the stepfather had the goal of being able to kiss me. I noticed this very soon, but did not relate it to any sexual ambitions at all, but rather saw in it a somewhat strange game of who was the stronger, without any erotic connotation. It didn’t seem significant to me to mention this in the jf [Jungsforum], but for a serious documentation this note is possibly important.”

Written interview with Wolfgang, a.k.a. Padjek, conducted on April 23, 2021

Jumima: Did you sometimes perceive your experience with your stepfather as “gay” or similar?
Wolfgang: No.

Jumima: Are you yourself attracted to boys? If so, do you think this might have something to do with your experience at the time?
Wolfgang: 2a: Yes, among other attractions. 2b: No.

Jumima: Would you classify the experience you described as an “incest” experience? Why?
Wolfgang: No. I wouldn’t have thought of it until just now.

Wolfgang: Did your mother know about this dimension of your music exercises?
Wolfgang: No.

Jumima: Could you have told her about it?
Wolfgang: No. For my sexual experiences, which also took place with the neighboring buddies, there was no need for conversation with third parties. It was as integrated into life as, for example, sneezing.

Jumima: Were you ever afraid of discovery?
Wolfgang: No.

Jumima: Was there communication with your stepfather about keeping these things secret?
Wolfgang: No.

Jumima: The “diffuse feeling” is a very interesting part of your descriptions. You emphasize not to be able to say more about it. But do you possibly have some theses why the feeling is so diffuse?
Wolfgang: This is the most difficult question you ask me. I was not able to give an answer to the esteemed Mignon at that time, but now I have traced it again a little bit - but more is not possible: The masturbating together with my buddies from the neighborhood, who were of the same age and with whom I met sometimes in pairs, sometimes in three or six of us in secluded areas, was an everyday thing and normal and had nothing to do with eroticism or gayness. It was experimental or just fun, and afterwards everyone went their own ways, or we strayed around or caused some mischief until the police showed up. I was often the initiator of these sessions, and in other contexts, especially among schoolmates, I tended to experience rejection with such suggestions. But here it was the neighborhood. And I think I transferred this uncomplicated setting to my stepfather. The fact that the feeling was nevertheless diffuse and not just that of a normal performance was probably due to the fact that the age difference was of course realized by me and I felt it as a possibly disturbing element, he was not a buddy, but also that he just did not want to show, as I was used to it from the guys, even for dick length comparison. I did not reflect all this in the situation.

Jumima: You write that it could have easily happened that you were led from the outside to classify the experiences as purely negative. Can you name factors that prevented this?
Wolfgang: Unlike my good friend’s daughter, I kept my sexual biography to myself because it was pleasurable and it would never have occurred to me to make a problem out of it. So I never confided in anyone to unburden myself.

Jumima: How do you feel about being a victim of a crime before the law?
Wolfgang: Good. If the stepfather, by whatever circumstance, had been involved in a criminal case because of this, I wouldn’t have inciminated him, despite my other experiences with him.