More substitutions that make reading the news more fun 
Debate → Dance-off
Self driving → Uncontrollably swerving
Poll → Psychic reading
Candidate → Airbender
Drone → Dog
Vows to → Probably won't
At large → Very large
Successfully → Suddenly
Expands → Physically expands
First
second
third-degree → Friggin' awful
An unknown number → Like hundreds
Front runner → Blade runner
Global → Spherical
Years → Minutes
Minutes → Years
No indication → Lots of signs
Urged restraint by → Drunkenly egged on
Horsepower → Tons of horsemeat

{{Title text: Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.}}