Substitutions that make reading the news more fun: 
Witnesses → these dudes I know
Allegedly → kinda probably
New study → Tumblr post
Rebuild → avenge
Space → Spaaace
Google Glass → Virtual Boy
Smartphone → Pokédex
Electric → atomic
Senator → elf-lord
Car → cat
Election → eating contest
Congressional leaders → river spirits
Homeland Security → Homestar Runner
Could not be reached for comment → is guilty and everyone knows it

{{Title text: INSIDE ELON MUSK'S NEW ATOMIC CAT}}